I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
