God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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