My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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