you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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