the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
