dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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