You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
