Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
