This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
