you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
