I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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