just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Someone signed my nipple.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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