I'm drive I can fine osifer
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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