be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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