Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
