It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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