K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
