Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
