I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
