It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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