Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
