Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
