Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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