he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
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She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
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Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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