you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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