So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
