there's paper in my vomit.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
