The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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