this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
