Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
