i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
