Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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