Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I stole a fireplace last night.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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