I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
