I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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