Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
