I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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