Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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