Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
