so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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