put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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