My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
