I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
