It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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