I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
