I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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