Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
