in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
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he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
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Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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