Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
