Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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