He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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