so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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