She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
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I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
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Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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