just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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