he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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