and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
